pantsfarm

Every night when I go to bed, it’s the same. I floss, I brush my teeth, I change clothes and then sit down and read a little if it’s not too late.

Then, I turn off the light, and lay in bed, waiting for sleep. But while I am laying there in the dark, with a tired body, my mind always lags behind in calming, and continues to work, thinking, imagining, remembering.

I don’t really remember this part when I think about trying to fall asleep in the past. Maybe it’s because I was chronically sleep deprived through much of my earlier life, and I would always be ready to sleep, immediately. Maybe it’s something else.

Now, I just lay in the dark, eyes closed, trying to focus on nothing, to count my breaths while slowing my breathing, almost like a meditation; maybe.

Last night, I recalled a day from this last summer. I was in New York, New York in the morning and at home in Maine in the evening. I remembered waiting in Secaucus to transfer to a different train to meet my sisters in upstate NY, and then I remember us driving north though terrible holiday-weekend traffic for many hours. I don’t like long drives, but this one was fun, and I remembered it fondly. It was good to spend that time with my sisters, talking, laughing, listening to her music collection on an iPod. I remembered stopping at some rest stop where I think boy scouts were giving away coffee and selling donuts to people making their long vacation-weekend drives.

I opened my eyes, and felt the cold air on them. “Here I am” I thought, “I might as well be on the moon.” I closed my eyes and tried again.

I wondered this time on how I might quiet my mind, but I could only think of things that are too destructive. At some point though, I succeeded, and did not wake until morning.