pantsfarm

So here I am on the eve of my last final this quarter, and I feel like I just want to quit. I anticipate a B on the final, and I suspect that no amount of studying I do at this point will raise that significantly. That is, I will continue studying until I am tired, then I will go to sleep. The loss of sleep necessary to accomplish the studying necessary to further boost my grade is sufficiently large as to nullify any actual benefits of studying, and thus I am at an impasse. At least I studied enough that I think I’m going to get a B, I don’t think I would have said that yesterday.

I mentioned the so-called Imposter Syndrome because I was talking to a couple people, and noticing that everybody has this impression of me as a good studious student when I feel like that’s really not the case. I use studying as an excuse a lot, to avoid commitments to things I don’t want to do that much or in general just because it’s an excuse nobody will question and affords me the freedom to do what I like with whomsoever I please. Well that’s not entirely true, but you get the point.

As an aside, the wikipedia article linked above is rather unsatisfactory as a reference goes. I’ve been finding the wikipedia pretty wanting as a reference these days actually. I continue to be confused as to why so many people regard it so highly.

Returning to feeling like a fraud, the wording of said wikipedia article is such that it seems like the only people who get to feel like frauds are those who have achieved their success and are then doubting whether or not they’ve actually earned it. I suppose what I was about to lament isn’t really fair, given that I am at this fancy-pants university and have my own so-called achievements to tout, but even still, among my peers I do not feel like I have any great accomplishments to boast of. I feel like an imposter because of the impression that people have of me rather than having actually done anything. When somebody asks me how a test or problem set went, I am reluctant to say how badly it may have gone because I would be embarassed to be revealed as this fraudulent student. Forget “would be”, I am. It’s not that I chalk it up to luck or anything, I just don’t tell anybody how my last assignment or exam was. The answer is almost invariably “fine” or “ok” and if there are questions as to what that means, I can almost always dodge it by simply providing the excuse that I haven’t seen the grades yet, so time will tell. Nobody is ever in a position to follow up because nobody knows when I get my work back graded, only when I have to turn it in.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, I just got tired of studying and felt like getting these present feelings of fraudulence off my chest. I guess part of it is just thinking that maybe I’m preempting my eventual being unmasked when I can’t get some job because my GPA is too low or something. To quote a differerent article from Psychology Today

Frauds are also very careful monitors of the impression they give off and cues they pick up from others. Starting new jobs, new relationships, and new schools is all the more threatening as impostors sense the high expectations of those around them and know that if they let down their “shell,” they may fail–or even worse, succeed.

I guess it is sort of reassuring to know that this is something that lots of people manage, but at the same time, I don’t know if I really believe that I can be lumped together with the people who think they’re frauds, but aren’t really, while I still wonder if I’m not actually a fraud myself.